Before I completely dug in and started jotting down what was mulling around in my head, I decided to take a minute and read what was written. I have a habit of always writing the date on my entries and in that moment I was profoundly grateful for it.
These thoughts were written back in April of 2014 and were definitely a result of a crazy brainstorm that I was experiencing in the moment. This was during a time when I was consulting and not particularly enjoying it, so I was starting the process of interviewing for a permanent corporate job. But, my soul was clearly trying to express something.
I vaguely remember at the time that I was so excited about what was coming through yet, I threw up my own roadblock. I immediately went into “what am I going to do with all of this?” Instead of patiently letting this unfold, I ran away from it. I jumped into my interview processes, willing to chuck the dream and the callings of my soul for the perceived big reward of a hefty reliable paycheck.
Yes, I did get the job. And the journal got shelved along with those thoughts. The interesting thing is that similar thoughts have been coming through recently. Some of them almost identical to what I had written nearly two years ago. The only difference is now, I’m honoring my soul. I’m still unclear of the plan for these thoughts, yet I’m open and I’m willing to allow them to blossom. That excitement has returned. It’s returned so fully that it has completely knocked fear out of the equation.
See, here’s the thing for me. I’ve gone through this roller coaster life of letting my soul be in charge for a time, but when it gets too scary or feels insecure, I opt for the sell out corporate job that eventually ends up sucking out my soul. I’m writing this today to say no more. And with all of you reading this as my witness, I’m trusting in myself and in my God to carry these thoughts forwards so I can serve the world as I came here to as a leader, a coach, a speaker, a writer and a motivator teaching on Divine Wealth and Divine Love. The world needs me and come what may, I’m showing up. And to make it even more clear. I’m showing up with ease, grace, excitement and joy.
Am I making the kind of money I want today? Not yet. And I realize that could change in an instant because I am infinitely powerful and I co-create every second of my life with Source. Since Source says I’m abundant, I’m buying in. All chips are in – they’re on the table. I’m betting on me.
Am I scared? Maybe a little, but I took the time tonight to stare fear in the face. I wrote down all my fears (have you ever done that before? It’s crazy enlightening and totally freeing if you let it be) and realized I have the resolve to work through each and every one of them (except maybe a mountain lion that wants to eat me). In other words, I trust myself. So fear, you’ve been a great blessing in my life and have taught me many lessons, but we’re not really friends anymore, ok? Thank you for sharing.
Do I know what the next move is? At this second, no. But maybe in the next few minutes, yes. Trust is coming in to play once again here. I am willing to embrace this new level of my life with the attitude and humility of a beginner. The time is now. The slate is clean. I begin and I’m open. I spent too many years analyzing everything (and let me tell ya, too much analysis can surely equal paralysis), thinking I knew the answer every time, when I didn’t. It caused me more harm than good, so I’m dropping that like a hot rock. It’s novice time. It’s kind of fun to come from this angle. I’m finding the phrase “I don’t know,” to be empowering instead of taboo like I thought it used to be when I believed that I had to have it all together all the time. No one does. And if they say they do, proceed with caution.
So, that’s where I’m at. Consider it the big reveal of my authentic self. Complete transparency. I don’t have it all together all the time and I don’t know all the answers and that’s ok. I love myself for that and you should love yourself for that too. At the end of the day I believe in me, I trust my next steps and I trust that doing what I love and being authentically me will yield a richer life than I can even imagine at this moment. And it can for you too. It really is ok, even when you don’t think it is.
Did you get any heart pings reading this post? Did anything jump out at you? Any ah-ha’s pulling at ya? I would love to hear about it. Jot ‘em down in the comments below.